I Don't Know

Let me preface this by saying that I think breastfeeding is wonderful. It has countless health benefits and it also is a source of bonding for mom and baby. I, like many mothers, was gung-ho on nursing my little man for his first year of life. Now, I honestly do not know if I will make it to the end of this month... This is a very, very sad thing for me.

After a baby is born, it is normal for him to lose up to 10% of his body weight. However, he should be back to his birth weight by two weeks of age. This was not the case for poor little Sprout. When I took him to his two week appointment and I saw that he was not where he was supposed to be, my heart sank. I was so sad that I was not making enough milk for my little baby. I was reluctant to supplement, but I knew that Sprout needed adequate nutrition to grow and I did not want him to be hungry at all. From the beginning of my pregnancy I promised him that I would do my best to give him everything that he needed and I was saddened that I could not completely provide for him in this area.

A few days after I started supplementing, I went to see a lactation consultant ... and it is because of her that I have been able to nurse this long. While there, I discovered that Sprout was not latching on correctly. The consultant showed me how to help him latch on like he should -- and I was amazed at the lack of pain that I felt! She also told me how I could pump to increase my supply. Therefore, for approximately six weeks I nursed, pumped, and supplemented (every 2 to 3 hours). Eventually, my milk supply increased. Sprout became very good at nursing and I stopped pumping ... and my milk supply increased even more! In fact there were days when I could give my little guy two ounces of formula or less. I was very encouraged and very determined to persevere.

You may be wondering what the problem is at this point. Well, I nurse continuously. And though I love being close to my child, there are days when we don't make it an hour and a half without nursing. I know that he is growing like he should -- he has been steadily progressing at the fiftieth percentile. What I think is happening is that he naps while he nurses and I am his human pacifier ... and then he wakes up and is hungry ... and then he nurses for real ... and the cycle continues until he falls asleep for the night.

Babies at Sprout's age should be able to get what they need in a half an hour. However, I am afraid to cut him off at that point. What if he didn't get what he needed? What if he was napping-nursing? Also, some babies nurse for comfort and security just as much as they do for nutrition; if that is the case, I certainly want to be there for him. On the other hand, by nursing him so extensively, am I taking away from other activities that I should be doing with him? Is he nursing so often because he needs more ... would it be better for me to give him formula to satisfy his little tummy in a more timely manner? I want to do what is right for him.

One answer to this dilemma would be to supplement him more. However, breast milk is a supply and demand thing. If I supplement more, then my supply will go down. "Breast is best" and I do want to give him the best. But am I? Or am I depriving him of other important things? Right now, I am not exactly the mommy that I imagined I would be. I simply do not have the opportunities to do all of the things that I envisioned doing. At this time, am I doing the right thing? Will things get easier when he starts solids? Should I supplement more? Should I take pride (and comfort) in knowing that I truly did my very best in this particular facet of motherhood ... but accept the fact that it may be reasonable to give my child more formula?

You know, I never imagined that decisions that involve nursing my baby would be so gut-wrenching. For some reason, this issue cuts me to the core (pardon the cliches). I want to give my child what he needs. I just don't know what his exact needs are. I love nursing my boy and holding him so close to my heart and I am not ready for that to end this soon. I know I am rambling ... I tend to that when I don't know what to do...

Dear Sprout,
Right now you are at an age where I must make decisions for you. You are so tiny and you must trust Mommy and Daddy for just about everything. I pray that I will do what is best for you. Please understand that I will make mistakes while I raise you ... but I promise you that I will have tried my best to do what is right at each instance. Know, no matter what decision is ultimately made, that I have cherished these months nursing you.
Love always,
Mommy